A Survival Guide to the Rapture (in case you are left behind)
Y’all better get your life in order because according to this 89 year-old prophet, Doomsday is (once again) upon us! In fact, it’s happening TOMORROW, May 21, 2011.
What does this mean? It means that in case you’re left behind, you’re gonna need a pretty hefty contingency plan to hold you over until you can join the rest of us in heaven, the hard way. (Spoiler alert: a guillotine may be involved here but trust me, it’s better than the other eternal option.)
Because I am a loving, compassionate and helpful person, I thought I’d leave a basic survivors guide for those of you who missed the initial wave of beam-ups. <hit the chorus of “Rocketeer” by Far East Movement here>
Here’s what you need to know. Follow these instructions carefully and you’ll be alright:
1. Say No to the Tattoo
There’s gonna be this world-wide campaign to centralize and distribute resources like food, gas, and water. It’s going to sound a lot like communism except the way Oprah explains it to you on her new Global Television Network will make it seem like it’s actually going to work. Everyone in her studio audience (as well as the entire world) will receive a special bar-code tattoo and will begin to receive everything for free! How can this be a bad thing, you ask? Trust me on this one. Say no to the tattoo. If you want a second chance at heaven, say no to the tattoo and follow the rest of my instructions.
2. You Will Eventually Need a Hiding Place
The officials who come knocking on your door daily to offer you the barcode tattoo will one day stop being so nice and you will eventually realize that you don’t have a choice. Before it gets to that point, find a good hiding spot that will shield you from the onslaught of destruction as well as provide you with daily nutrients and entertainment. The only such place that exists on earth is Costco.
First of all, every single Costco is built like an above-ground bomb shelter. You will be safe from any and all missile and grenade attacks, especially if you’re able to locate where Bruno Mars plans to finally make good on his promise to his ungrateful girlfriend. Secondly and most importantly, you will have all the food you will ever need at your finger tips. During normal business hours, hit up the free samples to hold you over until it’s closing time. When the staff starts wrapping things up, climb into one of those tree-house/swing-set things that they have constructed on display and wait till the lights are out. Once everyone is gone, you can use the grills to cook up the endless slabs of meat (I recommend the tri-tip), you can play some X-Box Kinect on the latest Samsung 3D LCD, and you have all the Kirkland bathroom tissue you will ever need. You are set. For a little while. You’re going to need to find some people . . .
3. Find a Member of the “Remnant” (or whatever they will call themselves)
You might need to go on Twitter and search #POTSC to find out who was intentionally left on earth by God to help people find their way to heaven, second-chance style. These people will help you navigate your way to the promised land, even as the world around you is crashing and free food is being distributed like a never-ending Karl Marx tribute. They will explain to you why you were left behind, why the bar code tattoo needs to be avoided, what you need to do to join the rest of us, and why there are still Televangelists on TV every late-night.
4. Get Ready to Die
This is the part I warned you about but if you follow through to the end, you’ll be able to party like it’s 1999 in year 0001, and year 0001 in 1999. It’s gonna be awesome.
For a little while after the rapture, everything’s gonna seem cool and there will be parties and rumors of world-wide peace. Whatever Steve Jobs tells you at this time, however, will only be short-lasting and a little deceptive. The period where it gets crazy and violent will be the true test. You can endure this time of “trials and tribulations” and do whatever it takes by hopping from Costco to Costco but eventually, the barcode tattoo artists are going to find you. It’s gonna get pretty intense and they’re gonna be like, “Dude, it’s either the tattoo or your head, man.”
You’re gonna say “that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? Just take a finger and let’s call it even.”
To which they’ll say, “shut-up, man. What will it be?”
At that point, you look them in the eye and say, “this world has nothing for me, homies. Take my head.”
Now, that’s gangsta. And that’s how you survive life during and after the rapture.
What other survival tips can you think of?