My American Idol Guesses (Music Monday)
Before you read this post, you must take into consideration the following bit of critical detail: I have not seen a single episode of this season’s American Idol.
So that explains why I can’t even call this a predictions or rankings post. I know nothing about the contestants except that apparently some girl named PIA was ousted last week and no one seemed to be happy about it.
Whether you’ve kept up with the show each week like a true fanatic or you’re like me and haven’t seen a single tick, this post is for you!
Consider this my answer to the March Madness craziness that takes place every year when un-knowledgeable wannabe-fans fill out brackets using incredibly unorthodox (and sometimes dumb) methods such as best uniform color/design, coolest mascot, and cute star players (not my method at all) to make their selections.
These are the unorthodox methods I’ll be using to make my “predictions” for American Idol: 1) Profile Picture, 2) Name, 3) and other arbitrary assumptions and observations I choose to make based on the nothing to very little I know about the contestants. If you’re scared that this post is going to be lame, inappropriate or slightly mean . . . no need to fear. Everything’s gonna be alright. Let’s have some fun! You ready??
Without further ado, these are my American Idol Guesses going from last to first:
8. Scotty McCreery
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Scotty is a fine singer and I’m sure he’s decent looking in real life but all this profile picture tells me is that he’s not ready to win. He instead has set himself up to be the real-life mascot of MAD TV (again, based on this picture) in case he fails to make it far in this competition. If he were to ask me for career advice, I would strongly admonish him to drop the “y” from “Scotty” because “Scotty McCreery” just sounds like the name of a guy who lives by the creek with a shotgun and a jumbo-sized bottle of rum. Not very artsy or pop-culture friendly if you ask me. Besides, having your first name sort of rhyme with your last name sucks. Just ask Julia Goolia.
It seems D.J. Tanner from Full House is making a comeback into the public limelight again… this time as a singer. I wish her the best of luck but an uneducated feeling tells me she’s not going to win this season. If my math is correct, she is about 34 years old at the very least, which puts her well over the age limit for this competition. How did she make it this far?
6. James Durbin
James’ faux-hawk is about one more pomade application away from wax museum perfection which would automatically destroy any chances of him winning a singing competition. Why does it matter, you ask? It just does. Trust me.
5. Paul McDonald
2 thoughts concerning Paul: #1) Someone please check his birth certificate. No way he’s within the age limit! I’m 30 years old and I still can’t grow facial hair that doesn’t look like patches of ripe, peaking black heads… the fact that I’m Korean and I don’t carry the DNA for facial hair is besides the point! Dude is old. and #2) The Bee Gees called. . .
4. Stefano Langone
I like this guy. He has a cool name. If Hollywood ever wants to do a modern remake of “The Godfather,” Stefano Langone has to be a name they consider for the new Don. The name says “I will kill you if you don’t hand over this olive oil business NOW” while also telling the ladies that “I am everything you want, baby.” Speaking of remakes, “Charles in Charge” has their new lead if they ever want to bring that show back. You’re welcome, Hollywood. These are pots of gold I’ve just laid out for you.
3. Jacob Lusk
I have just come up with this theory that people with full names that total 3 syllables tend to do well in this competition. Consider some of those who made it far in years past: Clay Aiken, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, David Cook, Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze and now Jacob Lusk all carry names with exactly THREE syllables. Pretty crazy and intriguing right? Are you impressed by my discovery? (Don’t you dare mention Carrie Underwood… or Katherine McPhee… or Fantasia Barrino… because my theory becomes significantly less impressive when you do.) Good luck, Jacob! 3 is a magic number!
2. Haley Reinhart
I don’t know why I’m putting Haley at number 2. The balance-seeker in me wants to place a guy and a girl in the top 2 and since Candace Cameron (ranked #7 above) is cheating, Haley gets to be in this position. I’m guessing she was named after Haley’s Comet because her parents assumed their daughter would be a once in a lifetime type of talent. I guess they were right because she made it this far in my guessed rankings. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Reinhart!
1. Casey Abrams
I am placing Casey at numero uno because the only small clip of Idol I saw this year was of him singing a tune with his upright bass and he killed it! I haven’t heard a single note from him or anyone else outside of that clip so I’m just going off of that for now. I’m rooting for the guy despite the fact that he will be ruining my 3-syllable name theory as well as my disdain for age-questionable beard-growing capabilities. Judging from the picture, he seems like a nice enough young man and I’m a fan of the “nice guys finish FIRST” theory.
That’s it for this season! I have made my guesses and I’m standing by them!
Idol Fans! How do my predictions (guesses) fare against your expert opinion of how things will and should pan out? Am I anything close? Who’s your top 3?
For the rest of you; despite what you’ve been told, you can judge a book by its cover (as long as it’s for fun)!