I know this is a terrible, blasphemous, un-American thing to say but– who gives a rat’s booty about FOOTBALL anway?
THERE, I said it! Don’t get me wrong, I can sit down and enjoy a nice match-up but I’m just not one to get all geeked out about a new season. I’m also not one to shout (or tweet) “OoOoOh! My life is complete now that college football is starting up again!” or “The NFL is God’s favorite league!” (I made that one up)
Perhaps I’ll change my mind when:
1. Football acknowledges how shamefully imperialistic it has been by snatching the name of a world sport (known in the U.S. as soccer. We’re the ONLY country in the WORLD that calls it this) and making it its own. Have you thought about how inappropriately named the sport really is? It needs to be called something like “Tackleball” or “Helmetball” (in fact, I’m going to use “Tackleball” for the rest of this post… and my life). The foot is actually only used for kick-offs, punts, and field goals– the rest of the game consists of running, throwing, man-handling, dancing in the end-zone and getting taxed by Roger Goodell. I am appalled that we applied the Manifest Destiny to a sport and the poor people around the world need to learn another name for their game. In the words of our social media youth: EPIC FAIL.
2. When L.A. finally gets a team. I’m really hoping Ari Gold (or Jeremy Piven, it doesn’t matter) lands a team and gives the world’s largest media market what we’ve been waiting for since the Rams and Raiders arrived and jumped ship: a winning Tackleball Team.
3. When Shaq finds a second life as a center… for an NFL squad. Wouldn’t that be something to watch?
It’s fine by me if you’re a die-hard Tackleball fan. It’s all about the NBA for me and the Lakers’ quest for a 3-peat. I do love football, though, as in The English Premier League. Go Manchester United.
As for the NFL, wake me up in January when it’s time to “root” for another non-L.A. team in the Super Bowl. (Go Saints)
(Note: this post was not meant to offend anyone and was mostly written in jest. If you are now planning out the size of the cross you want to burn in front of my house, you have missed this entirely and I’m sorry. Save yourself the trip to Home Depot)